It’s going to be CNY (Chinese New Year) soon. Here, CNY is a bigger celebration than Christmas or New Year, with many big stores closing for multiple days in a row for CNY. I still remember living in a place where CNY is simply irrelevant or nonexistent… I couldn’t even buy a CNY greeting card from major bookshops like Barnes & Noble. No red anywhere, no one celebrating, and -20°C weather outside, with all the pipes in danger of freezing. I’m so very glad that those days are firmly behind me.

I must admit that in such a place, I became very obsessed with my grades, because school was the only thing I could focus my mind on. I didn’t have any friends in the theology department who understood my feelings for Chinese culture or literature…strangely, these very bright people couldn’t see the distinction between China as a political entity (which one is free to support/not support, agree/disagree with) and China as a cultural entity, whose history and richness span millennia of beautiful, palpable civilization. I got both my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in the States, from top schools and with (thankfully) excellent grades. But I never felt at home there. For one thing, I don’t enjoy driving, and driving is something second nature to most Americans. Secondly, I’m not a big fan of individualism–I tend to favor countries with a strong central government, a strong sense of community, little disorder/protests/opposition/chaos, a country that is well-managed and efficient, and which values education very highly. And America is certainly not such a country.

I still remember how difficult it was to get a visa to the United States from a country like Indonesia, because after 9/11, Indonesia is seen as a high-risk country (less developed, “terror-prone”, etc.). For my visa interview (for graduate school in the US), I couldn’t even bring my rosary into the consulate where the interview took place. The interview took place openly, in the full sight and hearing of everyone present. I watched in horror as other interviewees were asked questions such as “How much do you earn every month?” “Why do you want to go to the US?” and then, one by one, got their visa applications rejected. My interview was quick, because of my good English and the full scholarship offered to me by Notre Dame. I got more trouble with the Indonesian official who objected to my Chinese name than with the American interviewer, but still, the whole experience left me feeling extremely shaken. America, as a world superpower, has to guard its borders from the unwanted citizens of high-risk countries. From America’s standpoint, I was a citizen of  a high-risk country, while from this high-risk country’s own standpoint, I was often (culturally, intellectually, spiritually, socially) an outsider. What’s the point of being well-educated, well groomed, and/or well-off, if one doesn’t have a sense of belongingness?

Which brings me to my current situation… my own living situation is still unstable, due to the horrible management of the rented place where I’m currently staying. But at least, there is a sense of belongingness here. Culturally, socially, intellectually and spiritually, I am not an outsider here. This is a place where I can live a quiet life and do my best as a human being, without worrying about political chaos, armed civilians on shooting sprees, mass demonstrations, or other kinds of chaos. The only things I will need to fight for and worry about here are my own personal issues. One day, if it is the Lord’s will for me to have a family of my own, I want my children to have a stable and dependable country to call home. I want them to feel a sense of pride, rootedness and belongingness–things that were not possible for me then, but that hopefully will be possible for me and my family in the near future. Amen. Ainsi soit-il 🙂

预祝大家新春快乐，年年有余，身心健康，事事顺利，锦绣前程！